I’ve been gone for a hot minute (a.k.a. two months) for a few reasons. Mostly it was because I traveled to the UK to see my boyfriend for a month, and I did about 0 blog upkeep during that time. But even if I hadn’t had an excuse to take a break, I was probably going to be forced into one anyways, because as most people know, the burnout is real.
I’ve been flailing a bit for the past year. For the longest time, I always knew exactly what I wanted to do once I got out of school, and exactly what my life would look like. But when the pandemic struck, I was left to spend the last few months of my senior year at home and distant from everyone I knew. I was no longer surrounded by graduating students planning for more school or doing interviews in preparation for starting a traditional career. I’ve always been susceptible to going with the flow of everyone else. But my graduate school plans were on hold for another year as I deferred due to the pandemic. So I had a year stretching out before me, and surprisingly a year is an inconvenient amount of free time to have on your hands. I don’t know if this is relatable, or a symptom of anxiety and perfectionism, but I always need to be working towards a goal. This year was a weird gap in time where I had nothing to do but wait. So I decided I needed to do something productive in those months (besides working). And suddenly I had a lot of time to sink back into online life.
I apologize in advance, because this is the part where I think about the impact of the internet, and it’s nothing new. I’ve always been here in one form or another — blogging on various platforms, creating art in different mediums. My internet friends are wonderful, brilliant, inspiring people, but they are often also the people I know who are running blogs (ha), Instagram pages, youtube channels, starting podcasts, etc. In other words, not following a super traditional path. I can’t help but wonder if it’s harmful that through the internet we are exposed to infinite possibilities, infinite different lives. It is important to have choices and inspiration and the freedom to make your own path, but is there a point at which it becomes debilitating? For me, I think so.
I’ve found work freelancing for various businesses and projects, and have loved the creativity of being a bit of a jack-of-all-trades (thanks to the work I’ve done on this blog over the years, mostly). The fact that I could actually do this, make a living on my own terms, has become a real possibility, and one that I never planned for myself. But I also struggle to pin down exactly one thing I want to focus on. I’m always jumping from idea to idea, often things that just don’t go together. I want to do it all, and it is paralyzing to think, to know, that is impossible.
All that is to say, I’ve been a little foggy recently and took a step back from my normal blogging routine. But I’m back, though there might be some changes in the kind of content I produce. Who knows!
Love & confusion,